Why You're Always Feeling Used
And How To Stop
“We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.” – Melody Beattie
This quote from Melody Beattie cuts to the heart of a deeply ingrained pattern in codependent relationships. It outlines a dynamic that is not only frustrating but can also cause long-term emotional distress.
The “triangle” Beattie refers to is the Drama Triangle, a concept developed by psychologist Stephen Karpman. The triangle consists of three roles: the Victim, the Rescuer, and the Persecutor.
In the case of codependency, people often step into the Rescuer role, taking on others’ responsibilities as if they’re the only ones capable of solving the problem. This behavior may seem helpful at first, but it eventually leads to frustration, resentment, and a sense of being used.
The Codependency Cycle
At first glance, rescuing someone may feel like an act of love or care. We see someone in distress, and instinctively, we want to fix things. But in doing so, we undermine that person’s ability to take responsibility for their own life. What’s worse, we may begin to see ourselves as the martyr, the only one who is holding everything together. Over time, we start to feel unappreciated and resentful of the very people we were trying to help. This resentment can lead to anger, emotional withdrawal, or a feeling of being trapped.
Being the oldest child of an Alcoholic, I became a expert at the rescuer role. Then I married a woman with the same life training. That did not end well.
The problem is that, when we take on others’ responsibilities, we are essentially depriving them of the opportunity to grow and solve their own challenges. This creates an unhealthy dynamic, where both parties are stuck in a pattern of emotional imbalance. The Rescuer feels exhausted and unappreciated, while the person being rescued feels powerless and dependent.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from this cycle requires awareness and a willingness to set healthy boundaries. First, we must recognize when we are stepping into the Rescuer role. Are we taking on tasks that others can manage themselves? Are we saying “yes” when we truly want to say “no”? By acknowledging these patterns, we can begin to shift our behavior.
Next, we must reclaim our own responsibilities. This doesn’t mean abandoning others when they’re in need, but rather, it’s about empowering them to take charge of their own lives. Instead of doing everything for them, we can offer support and guidance—without doing the work for them.
It is choosing to believe that each person is responsible for their own happiness. This shift in my belief system was (and is) fundamental to my experiencing greater peace and joy in my life.
As we begin to step back, we’ll notice something extraordinary: not only will others start to rise to the occasion, but we will also feel less burdened and more at peace. We stop feeling “used” because we no longer take on what isn’t ours to carry.
Empowerment Through Self-Care
The path to empowerment begins with self-awareness and boundaries. Learning to step out of the Drama Triangle and into a healthier role in relationships allows us to experience greater peace, self-respect, and emotional freedom. When we stop rescuing, we stop feeling resentful, and we make room for everyone involved to take ownership of their lives.
By embracing our own responsibility, we create the space to help others in a way that’s truly empowering for both ourselves and them. The change starts within, and it begins with one simple decision: to stop rescuing and start living authentically.
If you’re ready to break free from the cycle of codependency and take control of your life, I invite you to explore the Empowered Self-Help membership program. Through our powerful tools and the transformative Pondera Process®, you’ll learn how to set boundaries, balance your energy, and reclaim your emotional freedom. Join us today and start your journey toward greater peace, empowerment, and personal growth.
Your free trial starts here.
As someone recovering from co-dependency, I’ve observed this pattern in myself. I appreciate your essay because deconditioning requires hearing the same messages repeatedly, often for years. Thanks, Larry.
Once you learn about the drama triangle, you see it playing out in so many relationships. Thank you Larry for this insightful piece.